Adjusting to Sunshine

I’m slowly adjusting to the newness of this life.  I’ve been 9-to-5-ing it for so many years, this freedom to set my own hours for a while has been…almost unnerving.  I keep waiting for the time off to end, for the dread to start growing in my stomach, for the clock-watching to remind me I have to go to bed in order to drag myself off to work for 8 am.

For the most part, it’s only been a relatively small thought in the back of my mind.  I don’t talk about it much.  I don’t think, “OMG, I’m not working!” at random points in the day.  I don’t even feel ridiculously happy not to have to deal with the stress and BS that were a regular part of my day on the job.

Today, though, as I was driving around doing errands, there was a moment.  It is a beautiful fall day here in Kentucky–the sky is blue and clear, and the temperature is just cool enough to be perfect.  For a moment, just  a moment, I was back in my desk at The Day Job™.  It hit me, hard like a punch in the stomach.  I could actually feel myself in the desk chair, a computer in front of me, white noise choking me, that trapped feeling all lab rats get when they become momentarily aware of their real situation.

From my desk, I could see out a window onto the parking lot in front of the Chinese buffet next door.  Rain, snow, sleet, or sunshine, I would look out of that window countless times a day.  My eyes would drift away from the screen and the work and the reality and fixated on that Outside place.  Outside, where people were running errands and meeting friends and working in their yards. Outside, where time was just time, and not a weapon used against you.

And I remembered, like it was happening, the ache I would get sometimes, on days just like today, when I would look out and see the clear blue sky filled with sunlight and cool breezes.  I called those days my Alpaca Days, because I would have rather been doing anything – even herding alpacas – than stay inside that cold, stale office.  In my mind, I would just grab my purse and leave, without even telling anyone, without even turning off the computer.  I’d get in the car and pick up my sweetie and we’d drive without stopping until we hit an ocean.

Today, I realized that I didn’t have to raise alpacas.  I didn’t have to run away from home.

I was out there, in that sunshine, on that perfect day, doing what I wanted to do.

And I realized, “Wow, I don’t have to go to work for a while.”

Love to you all,

Deb

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