Good Night, Dear Souls – September 1, 2014

PennyMoon

Writing this blog is, in some ways, one of the most frightening things I’ve ever done. I’ve set two challenges for myself with this project: (1) to say what is important, and (2) to speak the truth.

Saying what’s important requires a clarity of thought I don’t always pursue.  Because speaking and writing have always come so easily to me, I can sometimes get lost in the mechanics without really focusing on the message I’m sending.  Style without substance is something I need to be on guard against at all time.  It doesn’t matter how cleverly you say something, if it’s not worth saying.

But the second part of that challenge, the speaking of truth, is by far the harder of the two for me.  It’s not that I am inherently a liar (although my wife insists I’m a master of the well-spoken untruth).  But telling the truth is not simply to avoid lying.  Telling the truth involves risk.  Telling the truth involves commitment.  Telling the truth cuts off escape routes.

Without going into the dysfunction of my youth too deeply, let’s just say that I grew up in an environment where secrecy was encouraged.  There is privacy, and then there is secrecy. There is discretion, and then there is paranoia.

One of the hardest parts of growing up for me was learning what was socially acceptable to talk about, and what was not.  The social rules concerning this were (and remain) incomprehensible to me.  It seemed that 99% of the trouble I got in as a child was because I spoke an embarrassing truth in front of the wrong person or persons.  The trouble I got in was severe enough that I learned to guard myself fiercely, learned when to lie and how to do so eloquently and efficiently.

I internalized that the default setting on life was to hide the truth as deeply and carefully as possible, no matter how much you wanted to tell it, no matter how much better things would be if you did.  Secrecy was the norm, and telling the truth was the aberration.

it took a long time for me to break out of that norm.  I had to work hard to learn first how to recognize my truth and then how to safely speak it.  it took a lot of pain and error and courage.

Recently, I’ve found myself in a space where I’m forced by circumstance back into that place of institutionalized secrecy and paranoia.  And it’s eating me out from the inside.  I’ve discovered that once I broke free of that type of life, I never ever wanted to go back to it.  I’ve quit jobs to avoid it.  I’ve ended friendships.

And here I am, back again in this space.

Sometimes, circumstance forces you to hold your tongue.  But I will never hold my tongue on this blog.  I will never hide my truth here.  I am angry about my current circumstance, and I will get out of it.  But I will keep this space honest, no matter what.

I thank you for reading, and I hope I earn your trust.

Peace and good dreams to you–

Deb

Background music: Rubinstein-Siloti Barcarolle in G minor Op 50 No 3, Pianist Mary Alberta Siloti

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